7 Ways to Regain Confidence After a Breakup

When a relationship ends, it is easy to feel sorry for yourself and tell yourself that you were the problem. But what are you really doing when you focus your attention and energy on blaming yourself? You are essentially giving away your power and letting the past control you. When you remain stuck in the past and convinced that you are not good enough, you miss all the wonderful things that lie ahead for you! Here are my top 7 ways that you can regain your confidence and put the control of your life back into your own hands so you can move forward and start living the life you deserve: 1. Focus on the things you can control. Getting overly obsessed with things that are out of your control will not help you move forward. Instead, it will waste your time and energy that would be better spent reassessing your situation and focusing on all the things available to you that can help you get back to where you want to be. 2. Separate “I made a mistake” from “I am the mistake.” Mistakes are things that we do, not who we truly are. Everyone makes mistakes and that is okay. It’s how we learn and grow stronger in our understanding of the world around us and of ourselves. Instead of dwelling on the mistake itself, focus on what the experience taught you and how the experience has made you are a more knowledgeable person going forward.   3. Celebrating the small wins. We tend to punctuate grand achievements with events, parties, etc., but how often do we celebrate our other successes? And why are the small things not considered to be an occasion for celebration? A win is a win, right? Maybe you have been sleeping better or you took the time to organize your room. Maybe you were able to get out and take a walk. All of those things are reasons to celebrate! 4. Stop the comparison game. The only person you are in competition with is yourself. Comparing yourself to others doesn’t help you in the long run because there will always be someone with more or someone that does something better than you. What truly matters is that you are improving your skills and moving forward toward your goals on your own terms in the way that works best for you.   5. Stop the negative self-talk. How to talk to yourself is so important. We can get so used to hearing that negative voice inside our head that it becomes automatic and subconscious. When you constantly tell yourself that you are wrong, or not good enough, or not capable of improving your situation, you are self-sabotaging. Instead of saying, “I can’t do it,” try “I am capable of figuring this out.” 6. Set your intentions and goals. A great way to focus on yourself instead of others is to slow down and reconnect with your intentions and your goals. What are the things in your life that are most important to you? How can you be more present to enjoy those things? Set a goal and make a plan of action to do the things that will get you there. 7. Empower yourself with a new perspective. When you are feeling unmotivated or incapable, step out of your comfort zone for a change of scenery and a new perspective on the situation. Learning a new skill is a great way to regain your self-esteem and feel empowered in your abilities. Surround yourself with the people that lift you up and encourage you to be better rather than the people that only tell you what you want to hear. Listen to r read inspirational books that may change your perspective on a certain topic. Allowing a breakup to define you and control you is detrimental to your mental and physical wellbeing. Without a strong sense of self and a foundation of confidence, you are very likely to carry the toxic behaviors from your past relationship into your next relationship. Only you have the power to control how you move forward after a breakup!

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4 Types of Attachment Styles

Have you heard of the Attachment Theory? It is a research based theory that connects your early relationship with your parents or caregivers with the way you build relationships later in life as an adult. According to this theory, there are 4 types of attachment styles: 1. Secure – Comfortable with openly expressing emotions, honest, tolerant, emotionally available, dependable, no fear of being alone, positive self-image, does not seek out approval from others. 2. Dismissive/Avoidant – High self-esteem and a positive self-mage, independent, doesn’t need a relationship to feel complete, doesn’t depend on others and doesn’t like others to depend on them. 3. Anxious/Preoccupied – Negative self-image with a positive view of others, fear of abandonment, clingy, seeks approval from their partner and worries that their partner is not as invested in the relationship as they are. 4. Disorganized/Fearful Avoidant – Unstable and ambiguous in social groups, has issues trusting others, avoids intimacy for fear of getting hurt, has trouble regulating their emotions, needs space, has trouble expressing emotions openly. So, why is it important to know this information? Because through your attachment style, you are seeking validation of your core narratives. Knowing which style you are can give you insight into why you are attracted to certain types of people, and if the pattern of attraction you exhibit is unhealthy, you can identify the root of the problem and make the necessary adjustments to break the cycle for future relationships. For example, let’s say you are an anxious person who craves intimacy. You will constantly want your partner to be close to you, talk to you, and spend all their time with you, and that neediness can be overwhelming to your partner, especially if your partner is avoidant. Anxious people tend to be attracted to avoidant people because they validate the anxious person’s core narrative which is “I am too much.” And conversely, the anxious person validates the avoidant person’s core narrative which is “I am not enough.” Both of these attachment types are built on insecurity. They feel connected to each other because they reinforce the beliefs the other person has had their whole life. It may be painful, but it is familiar so it feels right. They each believe that it’s just who they are and they do not believe that things will never be any different. The important thing to remember here is that you have the power to reframe your narrative if it is not serving you. Your narrative is just a story you tell yourself so you alone have the power to change it. Just as you can reinforce a negative narrative by telling yourself that “I am not enough,” you can shift your mindset and reinforce a positive narrative through self-affirmations such as, “I am worthy of love and respect.” If you have questions or need additional support, I am here for you!

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